I am waiting by the phone. I have called twice already, now it's his turn. I'm so excited I'm blowing up inside. I can't wait to tell him that I made a mistake and that I love him, no matter what, despite and because of who and what he is. Oh god! I love him so much. I can't stop thinking of the last time I saw him.
It was four days ago. We met for dinner at a local mexican restaurant. The mariachis played us a song, my favorite. Volver Volver, so appropriate and I didn't even know it at the time.
Where is he? I told him on the phone from the office that I had something important to tell him. I know he has rehearsal, that can run late. I wonder if he's telling the guys that I called. I bet he is. I bet he knows. I bet he's celebrating. I bet he's just dying to finish so he can rush over here and hear the news. The suspense is terrible.
I know! He's waiting until he knows I will be asleep and he will use his key and slip in and whisper that he loves me too and he's so happy to be home. Tomorrow morning I will wake up and make us breakfast and coffee, just like nothing ever happened. We will spend the day running errands together and holding hands in the park. Wait, no, I hate the park. We will go to the record store and he will dig around and pick out Doc at the Radar Station on vinyl. he knows I've been searching and searching for it.
I can't stand it. Maybe I should try to sleep. Then at least I wouldn't be thinking about it. Yes, if I do that, before I know it he will be home, wrapped around me. I've brushed my teeth. My phone is charged, my ringer is set loud, right by the bed, just in case he lost his key and needs me to let him in.
I can't sleep, this is like waiting for santa claus. I must sleep. I will count sheep. 1...2...3...4...5............................
Oh wow, it's 4:30. I must have fallen asleep. He's not here. Drat! I bet he called and I was in such a deep sleep I didn't hear it. Oh no! I bet he thinks I blew him off. I would never do that, never! I feel terrible. Where's my phone? Crap, i knocked it off the night stand.
Weird. No missed calls. I hope he's okay. Sometimes he over does it with the booze and gets behind the wheel. Please let him be okay. Please don't let something have happened to him. I can't bear to think that he never knew how much I love him and how sorry I am. Maybe he just went out with the boys and lost track of time. I'm calling him.
Oh god. He's in a ditch somewhere, my worst nightmare has come true. But, maybe he's sleeping and didn't hear the phone. Maybe he passed out on the couch in the rehearsal space. He does that. Maybe I should go over there. Maybe I should call again. No, I can't call again, that would make me look crazy. I will give him ten minutes to call me back. But if he was sleeping then he may have been slightly roused by the ringing, enough that if I call again right away it will fully wake him up. He won't think I'm crazy. Four years together is enough that it is absolutely reasonable that I call again. Yes. Yes, I will call again.
It's ringing. and ringing. Come on! Wake up! Wake up! Wake...
"I'm sorry if I woke you."
Is he at a party?
"I was just worried that you didn't come home and you never called."
Who is that in the background?
"Are you at jimmy's?"
"No? Where are you?"
Silence. Why is he so quiet all of a sudden?
"Why aren't you here? Why didn't you call?"
More silence. No. oh no oh no oh no. Please don't say it.
"I'm sorry, I've..." No no no no no stop!
"...met someone else."
I can't breathe. I should say something here. I'm supposed to say something, anything. All I can hear is no no no no no. Oh my god. That's me. I am saying something. I have to stop. I have to have dignity. Stop crying. Stop it now.
Hang up the phone. I can't hang up the phone. This has to be a joke. A sick joke. Get it together and get off the phone! But I can't, if I get off the phone he will go back to her. He will never come home.
"You know. Earlier today when I called. I wanted to tell you that I made a mistake. I'm sorry, and I love you. You can come home now, it's okay."
"I know why you called. I could hear it in your voice. I'm so sorry. It's better this way. Go back to sleep I will call you tomorrow."
Better this way? Better for who?! I feel sick. I can't breathe. I'm going to vomit. Hang up. Hang up.
Now what? He has to come over here. He has to come back. I should call back. I should keep calling until he agrees to come over here and talk to me. This is insane. I have to let him call me. He will call. I know he will.
Come on phone, ring. Ring damn it! It's ok, he's just giving me time to calm down. He will call in a minute and say he was drunk or high and he didn't know what he was saying. Wait, drunk or high? I don't want someone like that. Let her have him. I don't need him I'm better than that. I will be strong, I will show him what he's lost.
WHY AREN"T YOU RINGING???? Stupid phone. Maybe it's broken. Maybe I shouldn't have thrown it across the room. Maybe I should call him to see if he called and it didn't come through.
I should not call back. I should not. If you love something set it free and all that jazz. He's still not answering. I'm sure he will come to his senses tomorrow. I'm sure of it. Maybe he's breaking it off with her right now. Maybe I should call and apologize for yelling and acting crazy. Maybe he wants to come over but he's afraid I won't let him in.
Yes, I'm sure that's it. I'm just going to call one more time so he knows it's okay. Just once more, I promise and then I will go to bed. Maybe I should give myself the option of two more times in case he doesn't hear his phone ring. Yes two more, just two more and then I will go to bed. Or maybe I shouldn't set limits on myself. This is love after all, right? Maybe just three more times....