"Are you a crazy person pretending to be Clementine Ford or is that who you really are.... I don't even know why I'm on here does it bother you that people can just go from doing one thing and then end up looking up shit about you on the net. Weird stuff."

By Kate W on      I am not citing anything here because I am la... at 11:48 AM

 I got a notification of this comment on my email and I think it's just about the greatest comment I've ever gotten.
My name is Clementine Ford. For real. I have no idea which Clementine Ford you are looking for but I can tell you that, here at least, I really am me. I don't know why you are on here either. Why is anybody on any website? I know why I'm here. I wrote some stuff. I drew some stuff. I made some videos. I wanted a place to put all that stuff. This is that place. Some time went by and things changed, as they do, and I have no idea what this is anymore. It just is.
This is not about "pretending to be" anything or anyone. Why anyone would want to pretend to be me just to post mundane things on the web seems bizarre.

     I am not citing anything here because I am lazy and because the power of google is extremely, well, powerful.

     Through one of your eyeballs you have read, or will read after you google it, that Chuck Palahniuk never sits down to write until he has an entire chapter or pretty close to one, in his mind. He said somewhere that (I'm paraphrasing) staring at a blank page was just too depressing? boring? Maybe it was in the Ariel Gore book, How To Become a Famous Writer Before You're Dead? If he is stuck he likes to clean (?!) and work out (?1?1) and if all else fails, go to a dinner party to fish for ideas. (Seriously, google, it's really fascinating. You can probably find it at the cult . They have all things chuck and other fun interviews. It's where I first heard of Ariel Gore and everyone knows how much I love Ariel Gore. It was through her book that I first became interested in Murakami and Ayun Halliday (Who just came out with the Zinester's Guide to NYC* (I dislike words that end in "-ster" but I make an exception because I just have to like everything she comes out with))).
     Where was I going with this before that mega parenthetical aside? oh, right.
     Your other eyeball reads writers, nearly most, who say that it is important to write everyday. Not in the mood? Write. "Nothing to say? Write. Raging diarrhea? Write on the toilet. While I do agree with the latter group i also think Chuck is right. I think sometimes, if I just try to write without a plan or at least a general idea of where the scene is heading it comes out crap. Then I find myself embarrassed in front of myself.
    What's your way?
*This link will take you to the Zinester's page on Microcosm publishing, its a great little publisher and through them you can also get Burn Collector #1-9 ( I kept buying them and giving them away. Popular little book.)
**Judging by this post I am a literary pimp, lacking direction, thoughtfulness and insight.

This morning I should be packing

When I signed on to twitter this morning I sow on the right side of the screen a column that read, "Recently listed in" and underneath it, people in Los Angeles. I clicked "People in Los Angeles". Apparently this is a "public list curated by" someone who works at Skylight (a great bookstore in my hood.) I don't understand why I hesitated to put her name, it's right there on twitter. Anyway.... her profile led me to her blog...

From Corpus Libris

I have to say I've spent a fair bit of time this morning looking at it and I really am enjoying it.

She also links to Contrariwise: Literary Tattoos talk about time suckers!

I'm still waiting for this to go back to being what it was. That's just looking backwards isn't it? Maybe my little blog, this place I created when I wasn't in the mood for more rejection letters has taken a turn and maybe that is okay. Maybe it can be a blog about blogging. Maybe it can be a blog about finding my way. Maybe it can be whatever I fucking want it to be. Or, maybe, just maybe, it can be what it is. Wouldn't that be something?

Let me set this up for you...

My sister got a puppy for her birthday.

Through a series of events that puppy spent the night with me.

I already have two adult dogs of my own.

This is what I've just witnessed...

Dog number one had carried bites of his food to the wee wee pad left by my thoughtful sister. (Puppy doesn't think it's so thoughtful, he prefers to poop and pee in the middle of my kitchen.) He laid on the wee wee pad and ate his breakfast.

Dog number two sitting as close as possible but with her butt to me and looking around me, above me and underneath me rather than right at me. She's had a look like she smelled a fart ever since she figured out this dog isn't leaving.

puppy dog laying on my lap staring wistfully at dogs one and two wondering why no one but me will play with him.

P.S. Puppy are great and all but this has shown me that I made the right choice in adopting adult dogs!

Well hot damn and holy calamity what a day! I'm trying to (not so secretly) post daily but sometimes it just gets away from you doesn't it. I'm afraid I've frightened my little story away and nothing will tempt it to return at this hour. Trust me, nothing. Is anyone still reading this? Am I typing to black?

I will say for the moment that, despite a little stress, today was a nice day spent with my little sister culminating in dinner with a friend who just shot a commercial in which he played a mix between bad santa and lazy santa. I laughed so hard when he told me about it that I entered silent laugh territory. I can only hope that shit ends up on youtube. Seriously!

This is might have also had a hand in scaring my story...

I made myself write tonight. I waffled and wandered and contemplated changes to one thing and what to delete in another. Guess what... Waffling and wandering and contemplating doesn't really get much accomplished. Chuck Palahniuk never sits down without a scene, sometimes a whole chapter in his head. He thinks staring at a blank scene is useless. (I'd quote my source but I can't remember it.) Apparently, duh, I am no chuck palahniuk. I opened a new window and I started typing. I was honest. What more can we ask? An inkling of something started to form. I let it fly. It flew onto the wrong continent with no return ticket and I will most likely delete all but the first few pages as they are nonsensical, but I did it. It's mine. I obviously wrote it. It reeks of me, like I'd peed on it to mark my territory. For that I am thankful. Good day and good night.
xx

My dog peed on the couch. I have two tables. One coffee one for eating on. Both are full of piles of stuff. Some clothes stuff on one and books and junk and four picture frames on the other. All pain in the ass excuses not to write. Tonight someone called me stella and told me to get my groove back. Well honey, I started grooving. I grooved some characters and a little story and a plot and all. I got index cards and bubble charts and fun stuff happening. I figured after all that i might as well start writing. Do a short story and expand from there. ANd I wrote.
And I wrote.
And. I. Wrote.... Stella wasn't grooving.
I read back over what i'd written. There wasn't anything wrong with it per se. It was just a little familiar and boring. And familiar. But not familiar in that comfy, this is my voice, way. It was familiar in that... "Holy shit I'm ripping off Charlaine Harris!!!!" kind of way. LIke a ton of bricks dude. A TON of bricks.

Here's the thing, (I'm starting to think that should have been the name of my blog) I don't have cable. And by cable, I mean I don't have any television that runs into my house. If I want to watch the news it has to be online. Feelin me? I should also note that without expansion, this has been a really tough year for me. You know how sometimes when you're going through shit your brain just won't shut off? So you flip on the tv and watch a movie or bad tv? Well not me, I read simple fast paced books that don't take a lot of brain power. Enter Sookie Stackhouse novels. I love them. They are fun and basic and damn entertaining. BUT the problem is I read them all. In a row. over the course of the last three weeks. I lost my voice in there somewhere. I forgot how to write like me but I'm looking and i'm trying and I'll find Clementine again if it's the last thing I do!

*Did that make any sense?

Speaking of pain...

What happens when you start to feel better? You forget, let you guard down, as they say, and before you know it you've tweaked the healing parts and ended up back at square one. i hate square one.

Here's the thing. I don't like pain. It's not my bag. No offense to those who Love it. It's just not for me. One might even say I have a low pain tolerance. (stay with me, I'm going somewhere here.) at least that's what I've been told. So pain is a big deal to be. Mega, hurts so much you want to vomit pain is an even bigger deal.
The latter is what I'm dealing with right now. I woke up Saturday at around 330 in the morning with super nauseous making pain in my left wrist. No j don't know why. No I don't know what could have done it. It was there and it fucking hurt like hell. So that night was unpleasant. I woke up hours later to find nothing had changed. (seriously, I have a point. I promise.) so I'm useless and in pain and any movement of my left hand resulted in my screaming bloody murder and gagging. I took aleve but that didn't help. Today was no different, with the exception that I've now missed two nights of sleep because of this crap. So I went to the doctor.
(HERES the whole point of this whole thing!!!)
As I was driving to the doctor j looked at the steering wheel. I had looped my index and middle fingers around the wheel and was drivin like I had a hook so as to keep my wrist somewhat stable and keep my thumb securely stuck out sideways where is couldn't move and make me scream. I had adapted without realizing it. Yep, that's it. That's the whole point of this post. I find it fascinating how quickly we can adapt, without consciously doing it, to avoid pain. The end.

Once upon a very long time ago I had a date. It's true, I swear. That date led to some more dates. On those dates we talked, as people do. At some point, somewhere there was talk of underwear. (I do not use the word panties, I find it ugly and uncomfortable.) I remember nothing other than my date saying something about plain black calvin klein underwear and my responding with, yes I wear those (while trying to remember if I was wearing them at that moment). The next day I went out in a panic and bought fistfuls of black calvin klein cotton underwear. We never went on another date after that and to this day, years later, I still have a few pairs in the back of a drawer. I laugh every time I see them.

i see stuff

I saw this woman today.

A friend I was with thought it was sad that she's all alone out there.

I saw her more as an independent spirit who waits for nothing(except the bus) and answers to no one. Look at those old school adidas... Rock it, granny! I salute you.

This woman is rad. I very much enjoyed the moments I spent riding behind her.

xx,

me

slipping back gently in... shhhhh

its hard for me to stick to things. I am super gung ho for about two weeks of any endeavor. What usually happens is, something becomes a minor pain in my ass and I scrap the whole plan. WEll, apparently I'm getting better. I started using a metal water bottle a few months ago. Since I don't want to even accidentally advertise for them all I will say is they are popular, swiss, made from aluminum and have had some customer relations issues of late. My customaer issues were, my first two had a funny smell/taste, probably related to the plastic BPA lining they used! My last one mysteriously began leaking out the bottom, odd for a steel bottle. So I got it in my head that I needed a whole new bottle, a whole new, unrelated brand (the third bottle I had was under a different name, same company though.) I went online, found a super cute little store not far from my house and ventured there on a field trip.

I didn't expect too much based on my experience with "green" stores. Holy moly, was I ever wrong! This place has everything from beauty products (I got a couple tubes of fabulous vegan lip balm...) to mattresses (I didn't get one of those...). Also, tons of kid lunch stuff that made me wish I was still in the 4th grade! It won't let me steal the photos but trust me...

All that aside, this post is about what I did get. I got the pink Klean Kanteen. I can't believe I bought pepto bismal pink anything either, but it was that or royal blue or plain stainless steel, which experience has taught me, shows finger prints. The other one I bought partially because the pink fairy is waay too big to fit the gym cupholders, ( I know, so L.A.) and partially because I think it's pretty and I really needed to make up for the pink thing. Did I mention I hate most versions of the colour pink? It's from a company called U-Turn 2 Tap (that's a link). There are loads of smaller companies making these bottles now but this one just spoke to me... ( who am I today?!)

To add to my small part of creating less waste I got some BYO Bags, which stop you from having to use the plastic bags for fruits and veg at the market. I used one this morning and felt very self-righteous! Which brings me back round to the point...wait, was there a point? Oh right, I'm really going to make an effort every single day to reduce the amount of waste I create. And don't tell me in some whiny voice that you recycle your plastic bottles, that doesn't count, think of the energy used for recycling! AND! are you really truly able to find recycling facilities everywhere you go? I didn't think so.