Upon arrival at the bar last night one of the most heinous images was burned into my retinas. A very large, very hairy man of about forty standing in the back of the bar in a skirt and a t-shit that had the breasts cut out of it and a bra of the same "cut" rubbing his beer bottle very slowly around one of his nipples. At this point I should say that I have seen some fucked up shit and am not particularly squeamish when it comes to people's fetishes, but this was bad. As I student of the people I would normally find a way to get a better look and maybe take a character study but this particular sight was so atrocious that I was forced to turn and walk away very quickly before I saw anything more. I wish I could say that he stayed at the back of the bar or went home but such was not my luck. We found our people and immediately recounted what we had seen and listened to their horror stories as well. Our fellows were in the middle of their version when meghan's eyes got huge and she started giggling in that way that people do when the only other option they have is to run away screaming. Once she calmed down enough to speak she pointed out the fact that he had a particularly large appendage hanging between his legs, no, not THAT appendage, but some close relation, which of course lead us all to turn around to scope out the goods, or the terribles, depending on how you look at it. She was right. He had hiked his skirt up to mid belly and was proudly displaying what he obviously believed to be his masterpiece. He had bound himself in such a way that one, enormous, bulbous testicle was hanging down to mid thigh while the rest was presumably hidden in his terrible folds. In the time that we were taking stock of the situation he had put his right foot up on a chair and returned to the nipple swirl, which was now followed my the gentle junk jiggle. Yep, uh huh, I'm not going in depth on that, you can figure out what it looked like for yourselves. Being subjected to that was too much for us to bare so we braved that cold rather stay in the same room with that man. It was also too much for us to bare without Sam in on the experience. Without telling him why or what for we invited him out to join us for the evening. He showed up. He went to the bar. To get to the bar he had to walk through what I have now termed the torture room of shame. Not five minutes later he came back outside and the look on his face told us everything. He looked like he has just seen his grandma, naked, getting spanked by a monkey. The first thing out of his mouth? "I think I just saw my dad..." (I mostly included that so you get a really good picture of what the creature looked like.)
Of course that's not the end of it. Our safe, happy place was soiled again within minutes. he came out onto the patio doing his best red carpet paris hilton bimbo face. He looked around for a minute and spotted what I assume he was looking for: the only two gay men in the bar who hadn't run away from him. He sashayed up the them swinging his one ball and flirted for a minute or two. One of the men actually gave him a hug and the other one fiddled with his hair. Gerald found it important to note that these men were not unattractive. Not attractive either, but that's not the point. So while our scary friend was flirting he reached back and began fiddling with the string that ran up his ass and I guess kept all of his business where he wanted it. At some point while we were gaping and gagging over this his two little friends went away and he was left alone, pulling and itching. THen he walked back inside. Fine, thank god, we're safe again. Well, everyone but Gerald, who had to pee. Gerald walked into the bathroom and who do you think is taking a massive shit in the first stall with no door? You guessed it. Apparently while Gerald was at the other far end of the bathroom having his pee the door opened and shut many times with people too afraid to enter the restroom. Smart men, but poor gerald didn't have the choice, he had waited too long. Of course he was traumatized and there was much comforting upon his return.
No segway here just jumping off the deep end because here is where is gets strangely sad (like it wasn't already, right?). Some of our number were playing pool, once we realized there was really no escaping we gave in and went inside figuring that we might as well enjoy ourselves and not let certain atrocities ruin our evening. Meg, having lost the table in a valiant effort with sam was half sitting, half leaning on my lap. I turned to kiss her and there he was! Not a foot away from us, loitering, lascivious, loquacious (okay, I just wanted a third "L" word). I buried my face into her shoulder and willed him away. evidently it worked because when I resurfaced he was gone. Sam was now in his place giggling like a maniac. "Awe man, that was so sad, he just slunk over here and grabbed a cupcake and took off with his head down." I should note that there was a birthday party and there were cupcakes. At that point we all kind of started voicing what, I'm sure, had been in all of our heads. What was this guy's story? Had he screwed up his bar nights and accidently happened upon a bar full of lesbians instead of the leather bounds bears who normally inhabit the place and was just really confused? Or was he some exhibitionist who really just enjoined the horror and glaring eyes of the masses? Or was he just some crazy lonely guy who needed somewhere to go and was hoping to find a friend? I guess we'll never know and I really hope we never have to wonder those things again.
Sidebar, we did try to figure out what his fetish might have been but came up empty, one day you'll have the opportunity to see it for yourself and make your own assessments.